Reflections On Having A Semi-paralysed Face

 

Obviously, like most people, I am concerned about how I look. I’m older now, so it’s probably less important than in my youth, but it still matters.  Ask anyone who says they don’t care if they have a massive inflamed pimple in the middle of their nose. If they say it doesn’t bother them and make them self conscious, I’d say there was perhaps a bit of a fib going on. 

Of course I’ve spent more than enough money on skincare, makeup, treatments to enhance looks and try to delay the signs of aging. That’s why it’s a very large and profitable business  because in most people’s minds, looks matters.  It’s not the be all and end all, of course, but we try to avoid having bad teeth, bad skin and look, hopefully, “naturally” radiant. We want to be, and look like, the best version of ourselves.

Enter Bell”s Palsy. I am in Verbier at the moment, having come here over the Christmas holidays with plans of training for my second trip to Nepal this coming March. Everest base camp is no longer the goal (been there, done that) but to attempt to write a book about Sherpa life in the gateway to the highest mountain in the world.  It’s another bucket list tick, writing a book on a subject that interests me, and hopefully others.

Anyway, I experienced some ear and head pain shortly after the New Year and attributed it to a pinched nerve on my neck after doing yoga.  Before long I was experiencing labyrinthitis, making me feel like I was constantly on a boat, pitching violently from side to side. Still believing this was caused by a pinched nerve, I endured it, going to an osteopath for relief, when one day I woke up unable to move the left side of my face. Panic ensued, calls for the ambulance as friends rallied around me afraid, as I was, of a stroke happening in real time.  The Swiss hospital (they’re great, by the way but I digress) soon diagnosed it to be Bell’s Palsy, a semi paralysed face as a result of inflamed or damaged  facial nerve.  The cause, an infection in my inner ear caused my an old chicken pox virus laying dormant since childhood, that had decided to rear its ugly head. 

So….what does it feel like? Well, it looks pretty awful and you can’t really paint a rosy aspect to the situation. I can’t move the left side of my face which gives me the appearance of Botox gone wrong combined with intense post dental anaesthetic.  Nothing moves on one side of your face,  you try not to drool, laugh too one sidedly looking like a maniac, your eyebrow in the movable side of your face seems unnaturally raised, you can’t shut your eye causing dryness and pain (I wear the recommended pirate eyepatch to prevent more dryness and irritation), chewing and drinking are quite challenging, and your taste buds have gone awry. For a foodie/wannabe cook like me, not tasting anything correctly is specially traumatising.  People struggle to understand your pronunciation, all in all it’s a s##tshow, and there are no two ways around it.

Unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be any strong remedy for this situation, aside from anti-viral meds, steroids, anti dizzy and nausea pills, a gentle daily face massage, and perhaps some enthusiastic gum chewing to keep the muscles going.

So how does this impact me psychologically? Obviously frustration is the initial response. And fear it doesn’t resolve itself.  Looking back on my life, being a Daddy’s girl, I sought to compete more with my brothers than my sister. In my youth growing up in Manila, I was naturally competitive in sports (very unladylike in those days at home)  and pursued a life that would equal men. I wanted to work in Wall Street, I wanted to treat relationships more casually, I wanted to be able to achieve what most men aspired to have. Looks were important, as they are to both sexes, but I certainly wasn’t defined by them. For the most part I was,fortunately,  successful with my dreams (hard work, perseverance and luck) but can I say this situation doesn’t make me feel a little socially awkward?  Of course it does!

So how do I feel now? Well, it’s not like I have any choice in the matter. So I’ve  decided to prioritise rest and recovery, continue having a social life without moving my face too much (it’s distracting for the onlooker) and try my best to enjoy myself. There are moments when I cry tears of frustration, but there is still so much to enjoy as I try to recover.  It’s time to watch more docuseries or trash, to listen to podcasts (too much reading strains my one good eye), there’s tennis (thank God), spend time with friends and family (they’re wonderful) and explore new investment ideas in  financial markets ( I still love doing it ) to just reflect on life in general and write. I hope this physical issue resolves itself in time.  It’s not easy, not being able to put a wine glass to my mouth without dribbling, not being able to go to restaurants or cook since food tastes like cardboard, but I can still walk, dance, watch concerts and sports.  It’s always a challenge to keep positive in difficult situations but I’m not dying, I’m not in pain, and it’s just my face😱. I’ll just need to wear a badge saying I have a half paralysed face so as not to keep explaining my appearance to  people who will think I’m just odd. People do react to how you look.